Coercive control is a pattern of behaviour that is often sudden and gradual over time. It has to be that way. Victims would fight back if their rights were being blatantly taken away. Coercive control is often falsely portrayed as love by the abuser. "I want you all to myself because I love you. If you loved me you would spend time with me instead of your friends". Often the victim is portrayed as being to blame for the abuser's behaviour. "If you weren't so reckless with money, I wouldn't have to withhold it from you" or "It's because of that expensive, elaborate recipe you wanted to make, that I now can't afford to give you money to go out with your friend". That one may sound far fetched but I actually heard those words from my abuser. I was shamed for wanting to take some control over my diet. So that brings us back to my story of how it all began. I was back in the US a mere 4.5 months after I had first immigrated to Scotland. I hadn't decided yet if i was back for good or just until my husband worked out our housing issues. I was back with my oldest daughter, the sun was out and I was free to do what I wanted again. Just a few days after arriving back in the US I decided to get into my storage space to get some things out. My world was turned upside down when I found out my husband had stopped paying on my storage unit two months ago and everything I once owned, was gone. He stopped paying my storage space fees right around the same time that I started asking him for changes. I wanted to be happy in Scotland. I couldn't be happy living with a wee boy who wished me dead (the brother-in-law). I couldn't be happy couped up in the house with no contact with the outside world. I also asked him to move us into a bigger place. There were three adults and two children living in a two bedroom flat. I am sure it was just a coincidence that the two events happened concurrently. Why did I trust him you may ask. He was my husband. I wouldn't have married him if I hadn't trusted him. He promised me the world. He was going to take good care of me and the kids. We were going to have a great life in Scotland. I had no reason to doubt him.
After leaving Scotland, I had virtually no contact with my husband. He ignored my calls, texts, messages and emails. He was livid with me for leaving. I had accused him of things that he definitely did and he was having none of it. How dare she accuse me of prioritising my brother over her and my kids! How dare she complain about being a new country without a car, money, friends or knowledge of the local area, while I work 40+ hours every week! I really was being quite selfish for asking to have a family home for us and our children. It was rude of me to hope to be introduced to people and the new area I had moved to. I was clearly a horrible person for feeling completely abandoned. And now here I was in the US feeling abandoned and stupid for believing him.
I wasn't having an easy time in the US now either. I was struggling to get a job. I had two small children, no money and a debt on the loan I took out to travel back to the US. Child care was also a huge obstacle. I couldn't work without childcare and I can't get childcare without money. I felt like I had been kicked while I was down. Yes it was poor planning on my part but once violent threats were made, getting out became a safety issue. The safety of my children was my priority. It took me over four months to get childcare in place and find a job. During those four months my husband got back in touch with me and was extremely apologetic. We started talking about a future together again. There was a lot of love bombing and many promises being made. Long story short, I was back in the UK after about 8 months in the US.
This is where my last choices were made. That's a bit more metaphorical than literal but it was a point in my story where things took a turn and got even worse.