What is coercive control? It's a great question and it is difficult to answer because it is a pattern of behaviours. It isn't just one or two things. It is designed to isolate and degrade the victim. It is abuse. And it is impossible to prosecute because it can't be proven. An abuser will make the victim feel incompetent. The victim will become convinced that they cannot survive without the abuser. As you read this, many of you will think "that could never happen to me", "I won't let anyone treat me like that", or "why didn't you just leave?" I must beg you to not judge. It happens gradually. I didn't even realise what had happened until I was too deep in it. 

Coercive control became illegal in Scotland in April 2019. It is a form of domestic abuse. It causes emotional and psychological damage to the victims. I can only talk about what coercive control felt like for me. Every victim will have different experiences and different reactions to those experiences. Let me try to explain to you what my life was like. I had no money of my own. I wasn't listed on a bank account, I wasn't given an "allowance", I didn't qualify for benefits. The abuser controlled the finances. Everything that came into his house, was something the abuser picked out and bought. I owned nothing. Any of my clothes that the abuser didn't like, were binned. I wasn't allowed to leave the house without permission. I needed permission to go out with people. I had very few friends at all because it is too awkward to explain why I can't stop somewhere for coffee because I wasn't given any extra money. My immigration status was also sabotaged and used against me, by my abuser. I wasn't allowed to cook because 1) when I cook I need a lot of ingredients and it gets too expensive and 2) no one wants to eat my cooking. I had no say in my life at all. I did what I was told. I had no choice. The abuser made all the decisions, down to what I ate for dinner. It was an entire decade of coercive control. I could not end it. I could not get out. I was well isolated in a new country with no family or friends. How can I prove any of this abuse happened, in a court of law? I have no money or belongings. How do I prove that is due to abuse? I have no friends or support people. How do I prove that is due to abuse? I am completely reliant on my abuser for my home and immigration status. How do I prove he planned it that way so he could retain control? It can't be done and that's why this law is for show only. No one really cares about coercive control. It's just not that serious. "Get over it." "Stop making yourself a victim of someone caring for you". That last one there is actually a quote from Police Scotland by the way. Yep, my abuser loves me so much that he won't let me ruin my life by making the wrong choices. He will make all the right decisions for me 🙄 Coercive control laws in Scotland are a waste of time for Police Scotland. There is fuck all they can/will do about any of it. The psychological damage that was done to me, cannot be undone. Healing is impossible. I have been betrayed by every resource I sought out for help. I was humiliated when I told my story and the people I was telling were asking "ok...and? What's wrong with any of this? This isn't abuse". I had created this problem. It's all in my head. I have made him not trust me with money. People just hate me so I have no friends. I can't cook. I can't clean. I can't take care of myself. I destroyed my relationship with my abuser and my children by standing up to the abuse instead of sitting still and shutting up like a good little girl. He only treated me the way he did because I deserved it. I will never be able to adult. I wouldn't have survived without my abuser saving me, right? That's why cops won't arrest. That's why the crime won't be prosecuted. Women are hysterical and dramatic. We need our men to keep us in line, right Police Scotland? That's what I was told. Maybe my abuser cooks for my kids even when they are at my house because my cooking could literally kill them. It all makes so much sense. 

The coercive control law in Scotland is only there to make women appear to have rights. When in fact there is no right to be an independent woman in Scotland. We are supposed to keep our men happy and never complain about the generosity of our abuser.